Hello fellow parents. Been a while since my last post for this category.
Today I’m back with a pro and cons topic: Disciplining The Kid.
So how you discipline your kid? Do you use verbal, physical, or just tell them nicely?
Kidshealth.org classify actions to discipline the kids based on their ages. And it never included “hit” as one of the way to discipline the kid even when the kid test our limit.
Now what about you? What about me?
Let’s start with my real experience first.
• The Discipline
On a good day with good mood, I can tolerate my son’s insane behaviour. I can just tell him nicely and let it go even when he totally ignore me and do the reverse.
Most of the time, I will yell and raise my voice to let him knows the reason Mommy is not happy and better behave soon.
Please take note that I get angry only when things get worse. Not a little incident like he accidentally spill water or tear my notes.
But, I am not a mother with Long patience who has all the times only for him (yess i do have another job to handle and things to settle), often when my kid behave out of control, I will discipline him.
Sometimes, verbal will not be good enough to teach him lessons.
So when words are failing, I hit him. But of course I never hit him madly that will endanger his life.
I always avoid face, back area, head, and chest.
I hit his butt hardly, and the palm of his hands. And sometime, just sometime, hit his feet.
And for your note, i never left a scar mark, bruises and he never cried and complaint “it’s hurt mommy”. NEVER.
This to teach him lessons while he disobeyed my words purposely. As i say, purposely.
So this is the physicals discipline that i often do at home.
At other time, i will time him out outside the room. Our family room has outdoor access to the fish pond. Here where I will left him crying and lock the door, until he behave. But I don’t this often because after a while i can notice he get used at the term “time out” and know time out just temporary. So he will become the coolest kid and embrace his time out. Seriously my baby boy is cheeky and smart ass!
Few months ago, I was talking to group of friends and surprised that they just yell and raise the voice and never hit the kids. They also told me that my kid could then experience trauma and even behave uncontrollably at school and bullied other kids. (i guess they are all agree with the Kidshealth.org)
And to come with this blogpost, I also conducted a voting on my Instagram and saved everything under “Sharing” Highlight to know the Disciplining style practiced by others.
I was shocked at first and thought whether I was too harsh with my boy.
I was totally insecure and thought poor is my son to have such a cruel mom like me. This is true!
But again, I reassured myself that discipline must take place from early age. And again, to remind myself that my discipline comes when he does the bad thing purposely even after i guide him nicely.
I mean, different case, different behaviour, different circumtances, need different reaction. We could not standardize all things.
It is not that I always hit him, or hit madly. I hit if words fail to be understood. And again, need to highlight that the hit took place at his most harmless part of the body.
My own experience also told me, that discipline is needed. My mom hit me with rattan and I didn’t turn to become a bullier or grow bitter.
I did hate her, but then it came to my realization that yeahhh I was the one who crossed the line and it’s the consequence i need to face. So after cooling down, sometimes might took few days, I reconciled with her and love her again.
Coz hate cannot grow in the fields of compassion. Yes discipline with compassion, not out of emotion.
I know at certain degree, discipline is necessary for the sake of the goodness.
It is just a matter of principle that one hold and trust.
• The Aftermath
So after I discipline him (read: hit his butt / palm of hands/ feet), i know that he’s really sorry when he asked me to carry him on my arms.
So i will lift him, and pat his back, and told him that I don’t hate him. I just don’t like his behaviour. Not his wholebeing.
“Why did you do that, again? And did i tell you how to behave accordingly? Why did you continue purposely? Did you know it’s not good? Mommy loves you. My son is a good boy okay? Darren surely understand mommy.”
I will never let him sleep after he’s crying without knowing that he’s so loved! On a regular day, everynight, i will end it with a review of the day and tell him how he makes me proud and cheer him for better tomorrow.
And you can ask him whether mommy is a good person or not, he will always answer mommy is good, mommy loves him and he loves mommy back. And he’s more afraid of his daddy who only pinch his hand several times all his life! (Whom not even yell to Darren)
So clearly my action here do not lead to traumatic experience, but merely a lesson. And i hope this will continue and he gets the right perspective and understanding even when he grows older. Though sometimes he might hates me.
The other thing that i never failed to do is to put him on my prayer.
Because I cannot watch him 24/7. He cannot understand every actions that i take. And only God can direct his path. Mend his broken heart, and speak truth to his life.
So i really need divine guidance and protection for my son. To become one fine man.
Coz i can fail. I can upset him. I can depart from the right path too. But God will always set things on track.
• The Confession
Now if you ask me whether i ever regret my action and words said, the answer is YES!
In fact, most of the time i regret the things i did to him. I should be nicer because he’s not even 3 years old! Gosh! Expecting too much. And look at his peaceful sleep or silly act, i love my baby boy so much! He’s a blessing for me!
But again, i am responsible for him and i do the best i can do on that situation.
Have i hit him out of anger? Yes sometimes! Not gonna lie.
But again, even when i was totally crazily mad, i only hit on his safest part: butt, arms, palms, or feet.
I strongly disagree if one hit on head, chest, cheeks, back, and even use tools to hit.
Do i warn him and tell him first or just angry suddenly? Always come with a gentle reminder. And again i only go physical when he purposely disobeyed.
Do i love Darren, treasure Darren? Definitely!!!! He’s the best thing happen to me! And despite his stubborness, he’s one super smart charming and kindhearted boys i know! He’s sweet. He’s the apple of my eyes!
• Case Study
Okay it’s a bit jump here and there but now I want to give you the result of my Instagram post.
When it comes to discipline, Most of them prefer timeout. They will go physical like a pinch on hands/feet rather than hitting. But given the real case situation that once happened to me, 75% agreed to hit the kid on butt/palms.
What was the real case?
I went for a playdate. And Darren took his friend bag, tossed it, and step it one time. He laughed and thought it was funny.
I told him nicely that it’s not right. The bag will get dirty and even broken. He can hit his friend. And also his friend will be sad.
He nod. But then did it again. This time, he walked on the bag. Still, i tried to ask his reason, tell him the consequence and told him i will get angry if he keep doing that.
Nod. But again he did again. Purposely. And God Jesus, happily. He laughed! And even said “mommy look at me”.
Raised my voice but keep reasoning with him. Till the last, was when he finally jumping above the bag. With his shoes on.
I grabbed his palms, hit him, and yell at him. A normal yell that could be heard only on my table okay, not the whole restaurant.
So everytime i need to hit him, it’s always like given circumtances above. A situation that on my understanding is too much.
What did i do if it was my son’s bag and his friend won’t stop doing that? Even before the mom say sorry, i will intervene and say “ouch aunty is sad. Darren’s bag gonna be dirty and broken” in serious tone.
I expect that sentence would hesitate the kid and directly push the parent to stop the kid.
Sorry i know i am direct person.
Now from that case, people responded and said that:
– Just apologize and punish at home because punishment at public is not wise
– Look at the eyes deeply and lead him into earnest apology
– Do the same to his bag so he will understand
– Just hide his friend’s bag
– Just apologize he’s a kid
– Separate him and ask him doing whatever threats you said as consequences
– Never hit it won’t solve the problem
– Just raise the voice, it’s enough
– Mommy should change behaviour first and kid won’t be naughty
Not gonna judge you from your answer though some of you judging me openly on my DM, pointing finger on me and saying i was bad and incapable 🙂
Well, on such situation, i didn’t regret raising my voice and hit his hands.
Please study the case again, it’s done purposedly. And please bear on mind i hit only on palms/butt/feet. And yes i raise my voice but not so the whole restaurant to know. I still kept my privacy.
And given another situation, when someone scold the kid at public due to the over stubbornness and unpoliteness of the kid, my respondeds were agree that it’s normal. They left me message that if the parents cannot behave the kid, they will judge silently and think the parents are not good one.
And again for this case, normal scold not a very loud one that attracts security, crowds, and many okay. And normal hit. Not a slap, or even smack down ☺️
I don’t know whether it’s the same person who always vote the opposites. I surely think that 1) you’re an angelic creature with longest patience. I really need to learn that too. 2) you purposedly ruin the vote. Because we always have that one friend who do that out of random for fun only 😆
And 1 person said this “no matter what teaching style you adopt, no matter how others judge you, no one could become the best parents for the kid but you”
Next, we shall go on to……
• The Best Way To Discipline
First, Based on psychology, discipline is needed. And the rules must be consistent, followed by all family members so the child will understand and not get confused. (The chat was from my friend who earned degree in Psychology)
I agree with that. For me, the unity of the parents are important. If daddy scold the kid, mommy cannot protect. The kid will grow and know that mommy is perfect hiding spot. This is not healthy.
The next time the kid crossing the line, the kid will ask mom for a back up. This is not good.
So as long as spouse does not harm the kid, do not intervere.
If you disagree with your spouse, talk later and discuss what and how you guys will deal with the kid next time.
Second, many told me that before bed time is the critical moment that children need to be reassured that they are good and they are loved!
I practice this as well.
You can also find 100 verses telling us about discipline the kid (Christian version).
What i can derive from here is, when it is necessary, do not withhold a discipline. And again, as long as it is within his/her capability and not endanger his/her life.
I’m not telling you that my choice is right and better than yours.
What I really want to tell you is, never judge.
Mr. Amari Soul said this “you said she’s emotional. Is it really that or are you just being inconsiderate of her feelings?”
Each family has its own tradition.
And you might not understand the circumtances that lead to such action.
You might not understand why someone do not punish a kid, a story behind it. A belief. A personal experience.
You might not understand why someone punish the kid. Is it a pride, is that when s/he think that they have failed as parents, is it really the style?
And time has proven that those who received discipline and full love (without physical punishment) have grown, equally in numbers, better and worse.
Those who recieved too much love not always end up being the slumber and pighead and egoistic.
Those who experienced discipline not always end up rude one.
[normal discipline that inquire a punishment. Again not talking that everyday hardship and stiffness on family tradition]
And vice versa.
As the child grows, his or her surrounding play important roles to shape his/her characters.
And I strongly believe that everything done out of compassion will always lead to good things, because you do it with love. You mad with love. You teach with love. You discipline with love.
I am one of the real example of discipline that comeout as a victor 🙂
Through the love and prayers of my parents.
And i believe Darren too will experience the same, even better! And greater!
I pray that God will enlarge my heart capacity to tolerate more, guide my words before i speak.
And guide me side by side raising a gentleman.
And i pray that it happen to you too. Regardless the choice you make in raising your loved ones, your kid will grow wonderfully with a big and warm heart.
That’s the sharing from my side of story. From my perspective. From my experience.
Love for you!